Coercive co-parents often exhibit behaviors and defense mechanisms that reflect their inner deficiencies. These patterns can be challenging to navigate, especially when you’re trying to establish healthy boundaries and create a collaborative environment. Recognizing these mechanisms is the first step in protecting your emotional well-being and ensuring your children’s best interests remain the priority.
Let’s break down the common defense mechanisms and how they manifest in their behaviors:
1. Lack of Accountability: They Blame Shift
Coercive co-parents struggle to take responsibility for their actions. Instead of owning up to mistakes, they redirect the focus onto you or others. Blame-shifting allows them to evade responsibility and maintain their sense of control. For example, if a missed parenting obligation arises, they might accuse you of poor communication rather than addressing their oversight. They will even go to great lengths to blame the child for their lack of integrity.
2. Lack of Communication Skills: They Accuse You of Starting Arguments
Effective communication requires active listening, empathy, and clarity—qualities coercive co-parents often lack. When confronted or asked to clarify, they may accuse you of being argumentative or confrontational. This deflection keeps them from engaging in meaningful dialogue and places the focus on your perceived faults.
3. Lack of Emotional Intelligence: They Gaslight You
Gaslighting is a common tool used to distort your perception of reality. Coercive co-parents may invalidate your feelings, deny events that occurred, or twist the truth to make you question yourself. This behavior stems from their inability to process emotions constructively and their desire to maintain dominance in the relationship.
4. Lack of Self-Awareness: They Criticize and Project
Projection is a defense mechanism where they attribute their flaws or shortcomings onto you. If they struggle with being on time, they may call you a mess. This lack of self-awareness prevents them from acknowledging their role in the conflict.
5. Lack of Honesty: They Distort the Truth and Facts
Coercive co-parents often manipulate facts to suit their narrative. They may exaggerate, omit, or outright lie about situations to gain leverage or empathy. This dishonesty erodes trust and complicates co-parenting efforts, leaving you feeling frustrated and disempowered.
6. Lack of Integrity: They Justify Actions with Excuses or Deflection
Integrity means aligning actions with values, but coercive co-parents often justify inappropriate behavior through excuses or deflection. For instance, if they violate an agreement, they’ll rationalize it by claiming it was necessary or unavoidable, rather than admitting fault or seeking a solution.
7. Lack of Boundaries: They Attempt to Overstep Yours
Healthy boundaries are essential for successful co-parenting, but coercive co-parents often disregard them. They may micromanage your parenting decisions, involve themselves in areas outside their purview, or guilt you into compliance. Their inability to respect boundaries reflects their inner chaos and need for control.
How to Protect Yourself
Understanding these behaviors is the first step toward navigating a healthier co-parenting relationship. Here are a few strategies to maintain your emotional equilibrium and assert your boundaries:
Stay Grounded: Recognize blame-shifting, gaslighting, and deflection for what they are. Don’t let their tactics derail you.
Document Everything: Keep a detailed record of agreements, communications, and incidents to counteract distorted narratives.
Set Firm Boundaries: Clearly communicate your expectations and enforce consequences when boundaries are violated. Grab our book BOUNDARY BADASS or COLLABORATIVE COPARENTING COURSE.
Focus on the Children: Center decisions and conversations around what’s best for your kids, not the co-parent’s behavior.
By recognizing the deficiencies that drive these defense mechanisms, you can better equip yourself to handle the challenges of co-parenting with someone who struggles with accountability, emotional intelligence, and self-awareness. While you can’t change their behavior, you can control your responses and protect your own peace of mind. Take back your power today!
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