Children caught in high-conflict co-parenting situations often experience emotional manipulation, coercion, and even outright abuse at the hands of a coercive parent. When a child opens up about these experiences, how the healthy parent responds is critical to their emotional safety and psychological well-being. A validating response not only helps the child feel heard and supported but also counteracts the confusion and self-doubt that coercive tactics create.
Why the Coercive Parent Says What They Say
Coercive parents often use psychological tactics to maintain control over their child and undermine the healthy parent. These statements are designed to:
Instill Fear and Guilt: Making the child afraid to express their own emotions or seek support.
Create Confusion: Gaslighting the child into doubting their own experiences.
Undermine the Healthy Parent: Turning the child against the other parent to weaken their bond.
Secure Power and Control: Using psychological and emotional pressure to keep the child aligned with them.
Understanding the motivation behind coercive statements helps the healthy parent craft responses that neutralize the harmful effects and reassure the child that they are not alone.
Validating Phrases to Support Your Child
When your child shares concerns or disclosures about the coercive parent’s behavior, your response should:
Acknowledge their feelings.
Affirm their experience.
Provide reassurance.
Encourage open communication
Helping your child process their feelings and providing a listening ear goes a long way when the child confides in you after returning from the co-parent's home. Here are some examples of validating phrases tailored to common coercive tactics:
1. When the Coercive Parent Says, "You're being dramatic" or "That never happened."
Validation: "I believe you. Your feelings and experiences are real, and you have the right to talk about them. Would you like to share your experience with me?"
2. When the Coercive Parent Says, "If you tell, something bad will happen."
Validation: "You are safe to talk to me. It’s not your responsibility to protect anyone else’s feelings. I will make sure you are okay. Do you want to share what happened?"
3. When the Coercive Parent Says, "If you loved me, you wouldn’t want to go to the other house."
Validation: "Love doesn’t mean choosing between people. You are allowed to love both of your parents. How does it make you feel when you’re being asked to choose sides?"
4. When the Coercive Parent Blames the Child for Their Own Anger ("You make me act this way.")
Validation: "No one has the right to blame you for their actions. It’s not your fault how someone else behaves. The only person you’re responsible for is yourself."
5. When the Coercive Parent Tries to Guilt-Trip the Child ("After everything I’ve done for you.")
Validation: "Love and care do not come with conditions. You don’t owe anyone anything for being treated with kindness. How did that make you feel when they said that?"
6. When the Coercive Parent Tries to Undermine the Healthy Parent ("Your other parent doesn’t love you like I do.")
Validation: "Love isn’t a competition. You are loved deeply by both of us, and no one can take that away from you. What makes you feel loved?”
7. When the Child Expresses Fear About Retaliation for Speaking Up
Validation: "It’s okay to feel scared. I will always listen to you and do everything I can to keep you safe. What can I do to help you through this situation?"
8. When the Child Feels Confused by Mixed Messages
Validation: "It makes sense that you feel unsure. Sometimes people say things to control a situation, but you can trust your feelings and what you know to be true. What do you thnk is true? How did you determine that to be your truth?"
9. When the Coercive Parent Forces the Child to Keep Secrets
Validation: "You never have to keep secrets that make you feel bad or uncomfortable. I am always here to listen and help you. Is there anything you think I should know?"
10. When the Child Feels Guilty for Wanting to Spend Time with the Healthy Parent
Validation: "You deserve to have loving relationships with both of your parents without feeling guilty. Your feelings matter, and you don’t have to choose. What do you enjoy doing with each parent?"
How Validating Statements Protect Your Child
When a child is exposed to coercion, they often develop internalized guilt, self-doubt, and emotional distress. A validating response helps counteract this by:
Building Emotional Safety: Reassuring the child that their thoughts and feelings are valid.
Strengthening Their Confidence: Teaching them that they are not responsible for an adult’s emotions or actions.
Encouraging Open Communication: Creating a safe space where they feel comfortable sharing concerns.
Countering Manipulation: Helping them recognize coercive tactics for what they are.
Process Big Emotions: Taking the weight off the child’s shoulders by helping them process what is happening rather than suppressing it
Coercive control thrives in silence and confusion, making validation one of the most powerful tools a healthy parent can use. By responding with empathy and reassurance, you help your child develop resilience, emotional clarity, critical thinking, and the confidence to trust their own experiences. Over time, this can reduce the impact of coercion and help them navigate their relationship with the coercive parent in a healthier way. If you need further support, please set up a consultation.
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