Co-parenting should be about cooperation, respect, and prioritizing the well-being of the child. However, in cases of coercive co-parenting, one parent may attempt to dominate and control the children in ways that violate personal boundaries, privacy, and autonomy. These behaviors, though sometimes subtle, can be incredibly damaging and leave a lasting psychological impact.
One key motivator is power and control. They may seek to dominate the child and the other parent to assert superiority or compensate for their own insecurities. In some cases, they use the child as a tool for revenge or punishment, especially after a contentious breakup.
Another factor is the fear of losing the child’s loyalty. Some parents worry about being “replaced” and may manipulate or invade the child’s privacy to keep them emotionally dependent. They may also undermine the other parent, sabotaging their relationship with the child through spying, guilt-tripping, or badmouthing.
Personality traits play a role as well. Parents with borderline or narcissistic personalities may see their child as an extension of themselves rather than an independent person. Similarly, unresolved trauma can lead them to project their fears onto the child, justifying their controlling behavior as “protection.”
Finally, some coercive parents struggle with emotional regulation and use the child to self-soothe, crossing emotional and psychological boundaries in the process.
Below, we explore common ways coercive co-parents violate their children’s boundaries for personal space and autonomy, often creating an environment that feels more like surveillance than support.
Invasions of Personal Space, Privacy, & Autonomy
1. Entering the Child’s Room Unannounced
Coercive co-parents may regularly walk into their child’s room without knocking, disregarding their need for personal space and autonomy. This sends the message that the child has no right to privacy.
2. Keeping Personal Items in the Child’s Room
Some parents store their own belongings in the child’s room, such as clothing or a computer, as an excuse to enter whenever they please. This tactic subtly reinforces control over the child’s personal space.
3. Refusing to Allow Privacy
Demanding that doors remain open at all times—even when a child is getting dressed or engaging in personal activities—eliminates a child's ability to establish healthy boundaries.
4. Eavesdropping on Conversations
Listening outside the child’s room, reading their messages, or secretly monitoring their phone calls with the other parent violates trust and fosters an environment of constant surveillance.
5. Controlling the Child’s Sleep Space
Dictating how the child arranges their room, what decorations or photographs are allowed, or forcing them to cosleep with the coercive parent diminishes their ability to express autonomy.
6. Following the Child Around the House
Some coercive parents shadow their child’s every move, constantly checking on them or refusing to let them be alone in their room. This creates an oppressive atmosphere that stifles independence.
7. Demanding Full Access to Electronics
Requiring passwords to devices, routinely checking messages, or tracking online activity without consent violates digital privacy and can lead to feelings of distrust and helplessness.
8. Tracking the Child’s Location
Some parents use GPS tracking on phones, demand constant check-ins, or unexpectedly show up at places the child visits under the pretense of "just being in the area."
9. Showing Up at the Other Parent’s Visitation
Coercive co-parents may attempt to interfere with the child's time with the other parent by making unannounced appearances or "accidentally" running into them.
10. Monitoring Social Interactions
Dictating who the child talks to, following their friends or family on social media, or interrogating them about time spent away from home limits the child’s ability to form healthy relationships.
11. Forcing Physical Closeness
Insisting on hugs, standing too close, or not allowing the child to move away when they express discomfort teaches them that their physical boundaries do not matter.
12. Using Cameras to Watch the Child
Some parents install baby monitors, security cameras, or hidden recording devices to track their child's movements, creating an atmosphere of constant scrutiny.
13. Showing Up at the Child’s School or Activities Unannounced
Appearing at school, sports practice, or social events unexpectedly can be a way of asserting control and ensuring that the child never feels independent.
14. Reading Private Journals or Diaries
Going through a child's personal writings to gain insight into their thoughts, emotions, or friendships is a profound violation of trust.
15. Controlling When and Where the Child Can Close Doors
Forbidding a child from locking or even closing their bedroom or bathroom door removes their ability to establish personal space.
The Lasting Impact of Boundary Violations
These behaviors create an environment where a child feels watched, controlled, and unable to make decisions for themselves. Over time, this can lead to anxiety, lack of self-trust, difficulty establishing boundaries in future relationships, and a deep-seated fear of autonomy.
Breaking the Cycle
Recognizing these coercive behaviors is the first step toward breaking the cycle. If you or someone you know is experiencing this kind of dynamic, seeking professional guidance from a child therapist or co-parenting specialist can help set healthier boundaries. Children deserve to feel safe in their own space—free from manipulation, surveillance, and control.
If you or your children are experiencing coercive control and need assistance, please schedule a consult.
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