Co-parenting with a high-conflict individual can feel like you’re always on the defense. Their accusations, shifting narratives, and attempts to provoke emotional reactions can put you in a never-ending cycle of reacting. But here’s the hard truth: as long as you're playing defense, you're giving away your power.
The more you react, the more they pull the strings. Why? Because they thrive on triggering reactions from you, positive or negative. It feeds their need for control and keeps you emotionally unbalanced. Constantly defending yourself means you’re stuck in their narrative, and this dynamic only reinforces their power.
So, how do you break this cycle? By changing the way you engage. Here are three strategies that will help you shift from defense to a more empowered, value-driven approach.
1. Pause Before Responding
When a high-conflict co-parent throws a verbal grenade, your instinct is often to respond immediately. But this is exactly what they want. By taking a moment to pause, you stop their attack from dictating your emotions. Use the pause to assess: is this worth engaging? Can you respond from a place of logic rather than emotion? Pausing gives you time to regain composure and clarity, allowing you to respond, not react.
2. Use Values, Not Emotions
High-conflict co-parents are masters at triggering emotions. They’ll push your buttons and manipulate conversations to make you feel guilty, angry, or defensive. Instead of getting sucked into the emotional vortex, ground yourself in your core values. Respond with facts, and align your actions with what’s most important to you—your child’s well-being and needs. Keeping your responses value-based disarms their emotional traps and prevents you from being dragged into unnecessary conflict. This also keeps your self-repect and integrity intact.
3. Ask Discovery Questions
Instead of defending yourself, turn the tables by asking discovery questions. These questions challenge their statements and force them to either justify or abandon their position. For example, if they make an unreasonable demand, ask, "How does this benefit the children?" or "Can you explain how this approach provides consistently or stablity?" These questions put the burden of explanation back on them and often expose the irrationality of their claims. It shifts the dynamic from you being on the defensive to them having to explain or backpedal.
4. Shutdown Accusations
Rather than engaging in false accusations, simply shut them down. This ceases your involvement and stays outside of the power struggle dynamic they are creating. Some one-liners you can use are, "I will not enage in baseless accusations" or "Please refrain from mischaracterizations". The less you engage with a high-conflict co-parent outside of the children's needs the better.
Take Back Control
Constantly defending yourself allows the high-conflict co-parent to keep control, but by pausing, using values over emotions, and asking discovery questions, you take back your power. These strategies help you regain your footing, preventing the emotional chaos that keeps you stuck.
Start practicing them today and watch how the dynamic shifts in your favor. Stop letting them dictate the terms of engagement—because the more you defend, the more control they hold.
Take back the power, and co-parent on your terms.
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